Bo @ 4 Peculiar People » Humor

Bob Smiley and the Hot Tub

Bo — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 15:34:56 +0000

Let’s lighten it up a bit.

Debating Calvinism

Bo — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 22:56:21 +0000

Fundamentalists Pass Website Reform Measure

Bo — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:13:08 +0000

Tempe, AZ – In an unprecedented move, a national gathering of Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalist Baptists met in Tempe, Arizona to discuss the issue of website reform. While for the past 15 years churches and leaders within the IKJVOFB movement have resisted change, the fast growth of the web and new browsers now available have led the group to decided that something had to be done. Among those decisions passed were,

Churches would upgrade their computer systems to at least Windows 98.
Animated GIFs should be limited to no more than 50% of a page’s image content.
Underlined, bold and italicized text at the same time on a website should be discontinued. Churches or independent “evangelists” may continue to use any combination of the two, but not all three at the same time.
All-caps may be used but only in reference to the KVJ-only position, “liberals,” Calvinism, or when referencing James White. When referencing “common” points of doctrine (i.e. the Trinity, virgin birth, resurrection, etc.”) all-caps may no longer be used.
Sites must contain no more than two frames.
Font sizes should be no larger than 78, with the exception of referring to the KJV-only position, “liberals,” Calvinism, or when referencing James White.
Spelling on websites must be at least 85% correct.
Sites should take no longer than 4 minutes to load.
Pictures should be kept to under 4 MB in size.
Background music on sites should be completely eliminated.
Sites should be updated at least every 3 years.
Color schemes should be used that allow the text of the site to be at least barely readable.
Plans should be made to discontinue writing sites in basic HTML on a plain-text editors by the year 2019.

“We feel these measures will bring our churches up to at least a 1999 level,” said pastor Steven Sanderson of Faithful Word of the Bible Church in Tempe. “We want to see more of our IKJVOFB people better utilize 20th-century methods of communication.

Thanks to TomInTheBox

I Don’t Need No Education, I’m Called!

Bo — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 12:52:05 +0000

Hoover, Alabama – He’s never been to med school. In fact the man who calls himself “Dr. Eddie Miller” has never even been to college. He graduated from high school in 1987 with a 2.3 GPA and immediately began pursuing his “calling” to the medical profession.

“I felt the call to become a doctor since I was a boy,” said Miller. “I was about 7 and caught me a frog and cut him open with my pocket knife. I knew right then and there that I wanted to be a doctor when I growed up.”

Miller went on to recount how he spent his days after that watching TV shows about “doctor stuff.” He also took every chance he could to catch small live animals and dissect them, so that he could further pursue his “calling.” Finally, at the tender age of only 13 he performed his first surgery.

“They found out my uncle Billy had a tumor in his neck. He was going to go to one of them big fancy hospitals where the doctors think they all smart and stuff, but I told him I would do the surgery for free. We knocked him out with a ball-pin hammer and I used my trusty exacto knife. Uncle Billy didn’t quite make it that day, but he was too far gone anyway.”

Now at the age of 41, Miller operates a small clinic in Hoover where he says he’s qualified to perform any medical procedure even though he’s never been to med school.

“I don’t need no medical board or a bunch of other smarty pants doctors telling me what to do and think. I read my medical journals every day. I’ve even memorized entire chapters. I can do any surgery or procedure. Brain surgery, spinal surgery, amputations, you name it. I don’t need no education. This is a calling.”

We tried to reach some of Dr. Miller’s patients both current and past for comment, but none could be located.

Thanks to TomInTheBox

Smokey the Pelagian Bear

Bo — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 19:12:42 +0000

Smokey the Pelagian Bear

- Thurman “Thermos” Pritchard

A Warning: Don’t Drink and Revive

Bo — Fri, 28 May 2010 17:45:34 +0000

- Thurman “Thermos” Pritchard

A Word From Mr T On This Mother’s Day

Bo — Sun, 09 May 2010 15:56:23 +0000

I Want The Gold!!!

Bo — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 17:03:18 +0000

Everyone’s favorite leprechaun story in recognition of St Patrick’s Day.

Props to KJVO’ers in Michigan

Bo — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 16:26:28 +0000

Well the picture says it all doesn’t it? According to the Grace Baptist College website:

Greek study has been and will continue to be the downfall of Protestant Fundamentalism

Other colleges such as West Coast Baptist College which states to believe that the KJV is also the perfect preserved version for English people as well as the entire Sword of the Lord crowd won’t go that far, but it’s the next necessary step to take if you are going to take a “perfectly-preserved-English-version” position. How could it be ‘perfectly translated’ unless it was a work of inspiration by the Holy Spirit to ensure it to be perfect? Has man done anything other than the original manuscripts as perfectly? Nobody in their right mind would dare presume that. Yet the good folks at Grace Baptist College take it that far and the other KJVOnlyists don’t have the guts to take that next logically necessary step into utter lunacy. So props go out to the administration at Grace. Congratulations on following your craziness to its ultimate outcome.

The Semi-Pelagian Narrower Catechism

Bo — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 20:31:02 +0000

Q: What is the chief end of each individual Christian?
A: Each individual Christian’s chief end is to get saved. This is the first and great commandment.
Q: And what is the second great commandment?
A: The second, which is like unto it, is to get as many others saved as he can.
Q: What one work is required of thee for thy salvation?
A: It is required of me for my salvation that I make a Decision for Christ, which meaneth to accept Him into my heart to be my personal lord and saviour
Q: At what time must thou perform this work?
A: I must perform this work at such time as I have reached the Age of Accountability.
Q: At what time wilt thou have reached this Age?
A: That is a trick question. In order to determine this time, my mind must needs be sharper than any two-edged sword, able to pierce even to the division of bone and marrow; for, alas, the Age of Accountability is different for each individual, and is thus unknowable.
Q: By what means is a Decision for Christ made?
A: A Decision for Christ is made, not according to His own purpose and grace which was given to me in Christ Jesus before the world began, but according to the exercise of my own Free Will in saying the Sinner’s Prayer in my own words.
Q: If it be true then that man is responsible for this Decision, how then can God be sovereign?
A: He cannot be. God sovereignly chose not to be sovereign, and is therefore dependent upon me to come to Him for salvation. He standeth outside the door of my heart, forlornly knocking, until such time as I Decide to let Him in.

Q: How then can we make such a Decision, seeing that the Scripture saith, we are dead in our trespasses and sins?
A: By this the Scripture meaneth, not that we are dead, but only that we are sick or injured in them.
Q: What is the assurance of thy salvation?
A: The assurance of thy salvation is, that I know the date on which I prayed the Sinner’s Prayer, and have duly written this date on an official Decision card.
Q: What is thy story? What is thy song?
A: Praising my Savior all the day long.
Q: You ask me how I know he lives?
A: He lives within my heart.
Q: And what else hast thou got in thine heart?
A: I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
Q: Where??
A: Down in my heart!
Q: Where???
A: Down in my heart!!
Q: What witness aid hath been given us as a technique by which we may win souls?
A: The tract known commonly as the Four Spiritual Laws, is the chief aid whereby we may win souls.
Q: What doth this tract principally teach?
A: The Four Spiritual Laws principally teach, that God’s entire plan for history and the universe centereth on me, and that I am powerful enough to thwart His divine purpose if I refuse to let Him pursue His Wonderful Plan for my life.
Q: What supplementary technique is given by which we may win souls?
A: The technique of giving our own Personal Testimony, in the which we must always be ready to give an answer concerning the years we spent in vanity and pride, and the wretched vices in which we wallowed all our lives until the day we got saved.
Q: I’m so happy, what’s the reason why?
A: Jesus took my burden all away!
Q: What are the means given whereby we may large crowds of souls in a spectacular manner?
A: Such a spectacle is accomplished by means of well-publicized Crusades and Revivals which (in order that none may be loath to attend) are best conducted anywhere else but in a Church.
Q: Who is your boss?
A: My boss is a Jewish carpenter.
Q: Hath God predestined vessels of wrath to Hell?
A: God hath never performed such an omnipotent act, for any such thing would not reflect His primary attribute, which is Niceness.
Q: What is sanctification?
A: Sanctification is the work of my free Will, whereby I am renewed by having my Daily Quiet Time.
Q: What rule hath God for our direction in prayer?
A: The rule that we must bow our hands, close our heads, and fold our eyes.
Q: What doth the Lord’s Prayer teach us?
A: The Lord’s Prayer teacheth us that we must never memorize a prayer, or use one that hath been written down.
Q: What’s the book for thee?
A: The B-I-B-L-E.
Q: What are the seven deadly sins?
A: The seven deadly sins are smoking, drinking, dancing, card-playing, movie-going, baptizing babies, and having any creed but Christ.
Q: What is baptism?
A: Baptism is the act whereby, by the performance of something that seems quite silly in front of everyone, I prove that I really, really mean it.
Q: What is the Church?
A: The Church is the tiny minority of individuals living at this time who have Jesus in their hearts, and who come together once a week for a sermon, fellowship and donuts.
Q: What meaneth “The Priesthood Of All Believers”?
A: The Priesthood Of All Believers meaneth that there exists no authority in the Church, as that falsely thought to be held by elders, presbyters, deacons, and bishops, but that each individual Christian acts as his own authority in all matters pertaining to the faith.
Q: Who is the Holy Spirit?
A: The Holy Spirit is a gentleman Who would never barge in.
Q: How long hath the Holy Spirit been at work?
A: The Holy Spirit hath been at work for more than a century: expressly, since the nineteenth-century Revitalization brought about by traveling Evangelists carrying tents across America.
Q: When will be the “Last Days” of which the Bible speaketh?
A: The “Last Days” are these days in which we are now living, in which the Antichrist, the Beast, and the Thief in the Night shall most certainly appear.
Q: What is the name of the event by which Christians will escape these dreadful entities?
A: The event commonly known as the Rapture, in the which it is our Blessed Hope that all cars driven by Christians will suddenly have no drivers.
Q: When is Jesus coming again?
A: Maybe morning, maybe noon, maybe evening, and maybe soon.
Q: When the roll, roll, roll, is called up yonder, where will you be?
A: There.
Q: Hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, hallelujah!
A: Praise ye the Lord!
Q: Praise ye the Lord!
A: Hallelujah!
Q: Where will we meet again?
A: Here, there, or in the air.
Q: What can a pastor say while all heads are bowed?
A. Yes, I see that hand.
Q. How is a person saved?
A. If you walk this aisle…”
Q. And what requirement is there if you should fall into sin?
A. You just need to rededicate your life to God.
Q: Can I hear an Ay-men?
A: Ay-men.